Beautiful women aren't funny.

Because funny is ugly. 

And if women are going to be funny they need to get a little ugly too.

Because funny women have to be crass. Like Chelsea Handler or Amy Schumer.

Otherwise no one will laugh at their jokes. 

Women are hardly ever funny. In fact, it's refreshing to see a woman crack a joke. 

And if she's pretty too, wow. Didn't see that one coming.

Beautiful women aren't funny.

Because some random old dude says so.

Because if you're beautiful you have no personality.

That's just the way it goes, right?

Beautiful women should just join pageants. Where they can compete with other beautiful women for money and falsified feelings of self worth.

Save the jokes for the ugly chicks, right?

Rashida Jones isn't that funny, is that because she's beautiful? Probably.

Maybe it's because her face is so pretty it distracts from her punchlines.

That's totally it, right? 

Because women like Lucille Ball are the exception, not the rule. 

Same with Jenny Slate, Mindy Kahling, and Amy Poehler. 

If women were funnier, I wouldn't have to keep listing off women like this. You would just believe me.

Because men are just funnier than women. They tell dick jokes and poop jokes and shit.

Doesn't everyone love a good dick joke? Chicks love that shit. 

Beautiful women aren't funny.

Because you can't have it all.

But you know what?

The truth is ladies...

You can have it all.

A woman can be beautiful and funny just as life itself is beautiful and funny.

Why do we have to be JUST funny or JUST pretty or JUST sexy or JUST aggressive.

I reserve the right to be all of those things at one given time.

To get glammed up and then go out there and make somebody laugh.

Why?

Because I can. Because any woman can.

Because men like Michael Eisner clearly doesn't know that many women because almost 

Every

Single

Woman, I know is fucking hilarious. 

Like LOL hilarious.

Like even a guy would laugh. 

"Knock, knock?"

"Who's there?"

A beautiful funny girl, that's fuckin' who.