DEAR PEGGY OH.
Dear Peggy Oh is an advice column posted every Friday. Please send your burning questions to email@example.com with the subject line 'Dear Peggy Oh.'
Dear Peggy Oh,
I'm a 28 year old Bay Area guy working in the tech industry (I'm sorry) in SF. In the next week, my girlfriend and I are moving into our first apartment together. We both have pretty good communication with each other, and know this is the right decision.
At the same time, we're both fiercely individualistic and have strong aesthetic visions for the apartment. Do you have any advice on how to make this a glorious union? I know it's going to be great, but I just want to make sure no one gets murdered in their sleep over where a painting gets hung. Also, is a hotdog a sandwich or not? Thank you!
Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for your letter. Hey, I totally feel you. I’m extremely OCD about my apartment and its decor, and it really sucks. And when you get two people like that in one apartment? In all honesty, you might end up murdering each other. Like, it’s a 99% chance. Have fun with that!
But (and this is probably my only real/sober piece of advice I’ll give in this column), you should probably establish an aesthetic that you both agree with, and then create a Pinterest board together with furniture and decor that matches that look. Try to allow each other some leeway as much as you can, but as long as you can agree on a “vision” for the apartment at the outset, then I have faith in a positive outcome.
Also, no a hotdog is not a sandwich. If we decide that a hotdog is a sandwich, where does it end? Is every food that follows a bread-meat-bread format a sandwich? Is a taco a sandwich? A quesadilla? It’s anarchy!! I don’t want to live in a world where words and their definitions have no meaning.
Dear Peggy Oh,
When I was a child my dad’s friend tricked me into thinking I was about to killed by black widow spiders. As a result of this childhood trauma, I am now very afraid of spiders of all varieties. How do I overcome this debilitating condition without spending a fortune on a therapist and without my girlfriend finding out I'm a total puss?
I think the solution here has been right under your nose all along. Did you ever wonder what drove your dad’s friend to give you this phobia to begin with? I think it’s pretty obvious; he was suffering from the same fear of spiders, and, rather than have you find out and think he was uncool, he simply gave you this phobia as well.
You see, if you make sure girlfriend also develops an irrational fear of spiders, then there’s no risk of her thinking you’re a “puss” if she finds out. I recommend you invest in a large quantity of realistic fake spiders and surprise her with them. Another sure route to arachnophobia is to spend romantic movie nights together watching nature documentaries about the world’s deadliest spiders.
Once she’s fully traumatized by spiders, instead of thinking you’re a puss for being scared of them, she’ll appreciate that you alone truly know how she feels. Plus, I’m sure it’ll lead to some really weird sex.
Now, say on the off chance you don’t want to traumatize your girlfriend, there is another option. It’s common knowledge that a surefire way to vanquish a fear is to annihilate the source of said fear. To do this, you must track down your dad’s friend and KILL HIM. That should cause your fear of spiders to be replaced by a healthy dose of running-away-from-the-cops adrenaline. Good luck!
Dear Peggy Oh,
What's the secret to a perfect fried egg and is it in any way connected to the secret of getting my friends to start calling me "T-Rex" as a nickname?
Speaking from experience, it’s impossible to force a nickname. As my friends will tell you, “Devilled Peg” is not something that anyone wants to call another human being, no matter how many times I insisted it was “cool” and “hilarious” in 2009. That being said, fried eggs are nice, but have you tried devilled eggs? People might just naturally start calling you T-Rex every time you try to pick up one of those things with your (I assume) ridiculously tiny arms. Or, if you don’t have ridiculously tiny arms, arm-reduction surgery is a good alternative.
Submit your grievances, questions, or musings to Peggy Oh at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Subject Title: Dear Peggy Oh