TFW You're Truly Done With Tom Cruise
by RULA AL-NASRAWI
Um. Ok. So I don’t really make a huge scene about this usually but if you knew me when I was like 9 years old you would know that “The Mummy” was my all-time, absolute FAVORITE movie at the time. And honestly, any time that movie even remotely comes up, I still lose my mind. Just living out my dreams of being an Ancient Egyptian High Priestess y’all. When I found out they were remaking the movie with a female mummy, I screamed a little bit. Ok I screamed a lot. But when I found out Tom Cruise was the new lead playing alongside her, I considered setting myself on fire and jumping off the fire escape.
I’m just going to say it now and get it out of the way; I have never been a fan of Tom Cruise. I don’t know, his face has just always pissed me off. He always looks like he's just a couple of key bumps away from moonwalking alone in an alleyway screaming "WOOHOO" to himself over and over again.
Here are a few reasons why Tom Cruise is a living, breathing nightmare of a human being.
As we all know, he is the poster child for Scientology.
Do I even need to explain this one at all? He is the official celebrity representative for SCIENTOLOGY, a religion created by a science fiction writer that drains you of all of your resources and through hours of auditing teaches you fake words like Xenu, thetan, Galactic Federation, and Teegeeack. In case you were wondering, Teegeeack is what thetans called Earth by the way. It’s where the frozen thetans were transported to when their bodies were dropped off in active volcanoes and subsequently destroyed by nuclear explosions. I’m done.